Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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