my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
