wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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