did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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