you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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