Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't deserve a penis
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
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