im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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