Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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