I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
