so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
