Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
