i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
