you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
so much tequila, so little girl.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
