I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
