I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
