I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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