Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
