Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
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