Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
