He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
my poor anus
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
