Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
