Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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