you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
