the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
