i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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