My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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