Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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