i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
