I accidentally burped into my bong.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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