I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
