I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
