Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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