It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
