I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
