I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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