theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
