a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
