i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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