Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
