whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
