nut hugger
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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