i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
