Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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