WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
