i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
