The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
