I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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