She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
