my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
