i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
