I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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