whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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