The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
