my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
