i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize